I went to sleep last night and had this vivid dream of my wife in her last days. She was cold so I put a blanket on her, looked her in the eye and told her I just wanted her to be alright. In the dream I started crying and I could tell she knew how much I hurt. I woke up devestated and cryjng. Felt horrible like the day she died. Guilty, sad.
How does one ever love again after that? How can you ask another wonderful person to understand something like losing spouse or NOT being filled with fear or petrified of loving again because you could lose the, too?
i am so conflicted by my emotions this early morning, conflicted and confused. I believe that love is good and pure and worth fighting for but I also believe one is justified in being fearful or scared to death to love again after the death of a spouse. You are forever scarred and it is somewhat unfair to unload your mental garbage on another soul. It has made me into something I never wanted to be, a runner, and that makes me disappointed in myself.
I hope i can one day forgive myself for letting my wife die but this morning will not be that day.
I share this so others can see is e all have our demons that we fight with daily.
You are not alone, remember that...