I absolutely LOVE the connecting power of this blog and how it can reach others beyond social media in a much more intimate manner. Although most of my content thus far has been quickie self-servings of status supporting A.D.D. after thought, there have been a few shining moments of humane love that connects my heart with yours and for that I am greatful to have stumbled upon this approach.
Heartache. Helping. Healing.
This title I quickly arrived at after a reader (name withheld by request) shot me an email (best way to contact me quickly) some days after I had experienced the unbalanced moments of having to witness my deceased wife's birthday. The reader, I believe, was looking for solace in their own heartache during their day of witnessing their deceased spouses day of birth as well.
She wrote the following text:
"So today is my late husband's birthday and I just don't know what to do. I feel like making him a cake out of habit, but also wearing just one of his old shirts and crying. Such a hard day today. 20 years is a long time to be with someone for them to not be there on the important days."
OK, let's all pause together and feel like shedding a tear after that statement (uncomfortable silence), now, moving on.
For the record, I had a short dialogue with this young lady, I believe we had a quick laugh and hopefully she fell into a peaceful sleep. I don't serve many purposes on this blog or social media but I am hoping that peace and positive vibes is something I can lend to all of you for the love you share with me, daily.
Now, what exactly do I say to a statement like this?
For me, it was very easy and I believe that is for the same reason this woman shot me an email, because I, too, am a survivor and I can relate.
First and foremost, I believe although we all have trials and tribs, losing a spouse is a special catagory that you have to experience to relate. Although others have lived through death, losing a spouse at a young age is something that has to be lived, daily as the survivor to understand. From the way people whisper about you to looking in your childrens eyes, it carries a somewhat sad and ugly burden of guilt and truth that can only be exposed upon by those who have lived it. I am not saying others can't have sympathy but that feeling is more like a father feeling sympathy pains for his pregnant wife, he can only imagine, not actually know the living embodiment of the actual pain felt.
My response to this friend was very simple. My belief and coping mechanism is to not avoid the truth. I bought a cake and celebrated my wife's life, her memory and her laughter. I did not run from the pain or truth. Instead, I introduced the thought of her life being a blessing and no matter how long or short our journey was together, it was well worth the pain experienced. I believe one of the most beautiful monologues about a spouse but more profoundly, a spouse who has passed on can be found in the late Robin Williams monlogue from the film GOOD WILL HUNTING where he tells Will in their therepy session about his wife's life and how its the little things in life, things like his wife farting and her presence that are the little "pack-a-dillo's" that make him grateful he met her, and yes, even through the really bad years of her disease.
I, personally have dealt with those who purposely avoid the topic of my wife like she is the plague and the mere mention of her name would spread a disease. To my friend who asked the question, this is the most horrible approach you could ever take to the deceased. It is un-healthy and incorrect both socially and emotionally. Like any good problem, tackle it head on, the pain is well worth the mental stability down the road, trust me and those people I am referring too, their disfunction says more about them than it ever does about me or you. They are the ones who cannot cope and they are trying to put their mental crutches upon the surivivor instead of lend healthy healing and support.
I say buy a cake. I say wear his shirt but I also say, on the next day, to open your heart dear lady, open your heart to something or someone new, your spouse may be sending you to help move in the right direction but you can only experience this if you have a heavy but OPEN heart.
Lastly, I had another coversation with a lovely woman some time ago who introduced one of the most beautiful thoughts I had ever heard another person state regarding being involved with someone who has experienced the loss of a spouse and I would like to share that with you now:
"I’ll be there no matter what. I would never want that person to forget about their loved one. I would honor and cherish every moment, if something reminds them of the deceased, I would just hold them and be there."
Beautiful, right? It is you all, the viewers, the readers, the friends that provide me with faith in the human race, daily. For all of the evil I experience (and it is quite a bit) your goodness shines through and the above statement is no exception.
I post this statement of profound new love for the lady who originally asked about her husbands birthday. I post it for her because the lack of hope she in her question. The lack of seeing past the pain and/or feeling of empty sorrow. Read the beauty in this statement. Read the hope. Read the lovely support and truth in new love. This could only come from someone who was sent from the deceased to care for us with blessings. This is how we heal and this my friends is the meaning of inner beauty and the truest, deepest love.
I do not know if this response helps but I do hope so...
Thank you for the question, please sign up for my email so we can chat and I do hope on some levels this blog and more precise, answer, can help ease the pain of someone who may be searching for solace.
Love & Spanks,